Friday, March 26, 2010

Horse Play

Horse Play

A Horse walks into a bar. Bartender says, “Why the long face?”

That’s the classic ice breaker joke told by Lee Bodimeade when we have extra time on the warm-up clock before a match. (If the joke confuses you, no worries – we usually are too when he tells it. I guess it’s supposed to be funny).

But after the unreal, crazy events of yesterday evening in Chula Vista, I have a new Horse Joke:
11 Horses Run into the Olympic Training Center. Blue-Tooth Front Security Man says, “Sorry, No Horse Play Here.”

So here’s my press release:

Horse Herd Heads to Hockey Event

Wandering Wild Horses jumped the Mexican border yesterday and sought freedom to playfully graze in the Olympic fields of southern California.

Four wild Mexican horses, led by an undaunted leader, staged a successful hoist of a nearby California Coral and stampeded their way through the paved, palm tree lined streets of Chula Vista, California yesterday evening en route to the Olympic Training Center.

In an up-close, post-capture interview, Herd Captain W.E. Stallion gave a statement regarding the hoist and stampede:

“Wellllllllll. Me and my buddies were trotting around the hills in Mexico a couple weeks ago, when we heard about some exciting upcoming events going on across the border in Chula Vista – The Field Hockey World Cup Qualifier. Now, me and my fellow Phillies are avid hockeyers – I mean, Philly is the hockey hotbed. So the four of us, myself (White Ed), Philly Phred, Little Red, and Sanchez decided we wanted to join the competition.

So we started training, and we trained really hard for days. But a few days into the training, I had a revelation - we would be a bit out-manned (or out-horsed) when we took the field in the competition. All the other teams played with 11 on the field. So despite our physical prowess and beauty, we needed to find some new recruits, and fast. The tournament was only a couple days away.

Luckily, Sanchez knew a few horses at a local coral over the border. I actually think Sanchez was sweet on one of the Mares, Phyllis the Philly from Philly (who was a descendant of Constance Apple-trot, the founder of Horse Hockey in America).

Anyhow, the coral was only a gallop and a half away from the training center, so we planned to pick up our new teammates on the way to training. All went relatively smoothly. We hopped the border with ease, ran to the ranch, riled up the troops, hoisted a herd, and then headed full steam ahead down Olympic Parkway.

The adrenline rush was amazing. The mares and stallions were pumped to play. Lights and sirens from animals of steel guided us as we giddy-giddy upped our way to the competition venue.

I was incredibly proud as I led the troops up the hill towards the OTC Visitors Center. We were prepared and ready to taste Olympic Glory. We came upon the hill and stood atop the threshold, in awe of our Olympic Destiny. I saw the soft shining green of the artificial turf. Oh, how my hoofs longed to trot upon that sacred surface. My eyes twinkled as our gallop gathered speed along the Asic-lined Olympic Walkway. Giddy-giddy-giddy. My heart skipped to the beat of a giddy-up.

We pushed onward, descended the hill, heading towards athlete check-in to get our dining hall passes. And that’s when my heart deflated. That is when I saw the American girls. Led by Katie O’donnel and Katie Evans.

I saw it in their eyes. The eagerness. The confidence. The discipline. The focus. I knew then, that we didn’t stand a chance. No horsing chance.

Just when I realized the futileness of our efforts, a cowboy encroached upon us. A border patrol helicopter circled toward the ground. My dream of Olympic Glory slowly fizzled out. I was captured. As we headed out the security gate, the guard with the blue tooth and the two finger wave yelled, No Horse Play Here.”

This story is based on credible news worthy events. We, the members of USA field hockey, witnessed these events as we left the dining hall of the Olympic Training Center. Luckily, no one was injured by the horse stampede.

If you don’t believe me, or for more information check out this link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yszdWSLoJjk

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